Under the Christmas Tree, Nerves: Why the Holidays Can Be Stressful and How to Prevent It

When we think about the holidays, warmth, closeness, and time spent with loved ones often come to mind. However, beneath the surface of these idealized images, a very different scenario frequently unfolds. Expectations, pressure, fatigue, and unspoken emotions cause many people, instead of relaxing, to walk on eggshells, trying to avoid yet another argument at the family table.

The holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year, mainly due to the accumulation of responsibilities, high expectations, and confrontations with many intense emotions. Research shows that as many as 41% of adult Americans expect greater holiday-related stress than in the previous year. Meanwhile, 32% of respondents point to difficult family relationships as one of the main sources of concern. Other surveys indicate that 79% of people neglect their own needs and health during this time, which further intensifies tension.

Accumulation of Responsibilities and the Pressure of Perfection

Holiday chaos creates ideal conditions for conflict. One of the most characteristic features of this period is the sheer volume of responsibilities. The holidays require planning, shopping, and cooking, and often all of this falls on one or two people. As fatigue builds up, it becomes harder to control emotions and respond calmly.

On top of that comes the pressure for everything to look “perfect,” in line with patterns promoted by films, the media, and social expectations. When reality turns out differently, frustration and disappointment arise.

Differences in Expectations and the Return of Old Patterns

Tensions also arise from differences in expectations regarding how the holidays should unfold. Some dream of a traditional, festive atmosphere, while others prefer peace, simplicity, and relaxation. When these visions clash, feelings of ingratitude, misunderstanding, or lack of engagement can easily emerge.

Additionally, during family gatherings, old patterns often resurface. Adult children unconsciously revert to their former roles, and parents return to their habitual behaviors. Unresolved or long-forgotten conflicts can reappear, often at the least appropriate moment.

Lack of Boundaries and Unspoken Needs

Problems also arise where clear boundaries are lacking. In the holiday bustle, we rarely discuss how many responsibilities we can realistically take on, what we do not want to do, and when we need rest.

Uncommunicated needs lead to growing irritation and a sense of unfairness. As a result, an argument often does not concern a specific situation but rather the long-term absence of conversation, sometimes spanning many years of unspoken issues.

How to Maintain Good Communication During the Holidays

In this part of the article, I give the floor to expert Manuela Pliżga, a communication trainer and mediator who daily helps people build understanding, work through conflict, and learn dialogue based on respect.

What Most Often Causes Tensions Among Loved Ones During the Holidays?

Most often, these are differences in expectations and a lack of time. It reminds me of the image of a little donkey carrying so much on its cart that it becomes overloaded and almost tips over. This is exactly how many people look before the holidays: we take on too many responsibilities, do not delegate them to other family members, and as a result, we become exhausted and frustrated.

Often, we cannot give up tasks or say no because “it has always been this way.” It is worth asking ourselves: is continuing the tradition at the expense of our health and peace really worth it?

How to discuss the division of responsibilities to avoid a sense of unfairness while not sounding accusatory?
The best solution is to list all tasks and discuss them together with the family. It is helpful to organize a short “organizational meeting,” even online if we do not live together, and ask who can take on specific duties.

One person can prepare cakes, another the fish, someone else the drinks, the Christmas wafer, or gifts. Cleaning and shopping can also be shared. The more people involved, the less the burden falls on one person. Including younger generations also builds shared responsibility and a sense of community.

How to communicate boundaries to loved ones calmly and effectively?
Setting boundaries is not just about saying “no”; it is primarily about taking care of yourself and your identity. If I know what I want, what is important to me, and what I do not agree with, it is easier to respond calmly.

When difficult questions arise, the conversation can be redirected with humor, for example: “Let’s not go into that topic; it’s a bit risky.” It is important to remember that not every question is an attack—often it comes from curiosity or concern. However, this does not mean we must answer everything. Sometimes changing the subject is enough instead of getting defensive and entering a tense discussion.

How to Recognize When a Conversation Is Escalating and How to Respond?

The most important thing is to listen to the signals coming from your body. When a conversation starts heading in the wrong direction, tension often appears—tightness in the throat, stomach aches, or muscle stiffness. This is a sign that something is wrong and that it is worth pausing.

In such a situation, it is helpful to suggest a break, go to another room, get some fresh air, and calm your emotions. You can then return and say directly: “I feel that this conversation is heading in the wrong direction. I would prefer to pause it for now.” This allows the escalation to be stopped before the conflict erupts.

What small rituals help create a positive atmosphere during the holidays?
Calm holiday music can help ease tension. Planning ahead is also important—knowing what to do and when helps avoid chaos and unnecessary stress.

Small gestures make a big difference: kind notes with short messages, a smile, a hug, making someone a cup of tea, bringing a blanket, or a kind word. These little things build a sense of closeness and make the holidays truly a time for being together.

When Conversation Is Not Enough

Sometimes, despite the best intentions, family conversations still end in misunderstandings and a sense of helplessness. In such moments, it is worth seeking professional support.

Manuela Pliżga, a communication trainer and mediator, helps build understanding, set boundaries, and manage conflicts in a safe and empathetic way. Mentoring provides a space to examine your own patterns, learn new ways of communicating, and take care of relationships—not just during the holidays.

For more information about mentoring, visit: https://thetalkbox.eu/mentoring2/

Author: Martyna Korczyńska

Sources:

https://www.globenewswire.com/news-release/2025/11/18/3190248/0/en/Americans-are-More-Anxious-than-Last-Year-About-the-Upcoming-Holidays-Health-Care-and-the-Economy-Also-Major-Concerns-for-Many.html

https://newsroom.heart.org/news/new-survey-79-of-survey-respondents-overlook-their-health-needs-during-the-holidays-find-the-holidays-more-stressful-than-tax-season

https://www.mp.pl/pacjent/psychiatria/aktualnosci/134906,swieta-na-liscie-najbardziej-stresujacych-wydarzen-w-zyciu

https://www.newsweek.com/family-therapist-christmas-arguments-1768186